Arizona Lifestyle's Real Estate Blog

CORRECTIONS AND APOLOGIES

2012-01-28T11:32:00.000-08:00

After getting a lovely note from a new friend this morning about my last post and the ones that have rolled out of my brain like a fast moving flood I realized I haven’t entirely done justice to the subjects, to you for reading much of it and to my own health. This stops today.
Lately I have been doing what a good writer shouldn’t. Writing in a stream of consciousness and without editing any of it hitting Post, Send, Publish, Submit or whatever the button says to do. Too much gets left out that might make sense of it all and I apologize for putting you all through that.
With your kind indulgence I will re-post yesterday’s rant with the necessary corrections and from this point on will do you all a favor and edit things before hitting any buttons.
Thank-You,

LET’S TALK ABOUT ADDICTION

There are many types of addiction to be sure. Smoking, drugs and alcohol are the obvious ones. Food can be one, chocolate, sex (I wish), personality disorders and pretty much anything you can conjure up including exercise.
I’ve never been a smoker. It always made me sick and green just wasn’t a color that looked good on me. Like most people of my generation I experimented a little with drugs and quickly discovered I could take ‘em or leave ‘em. They just weren’t that interesting. Unlike Bill Clinton I did inhale marijuana and for some years (I quickly discovered I could smoke that), due to the stressful circumstances in my life at that time, and was the next best thing to a chain smoker for a while to stay calm. I bought Nabisco stock hoping to make some of the money back I spent buying Oreo’s back then years later. I went into therapy for a while only to be told by three different therapists I wasn’t an addict…just confused (really?). Talking about my past went nowhere because neither of us had any clue what we were supposed to be looking for (that answer was recently answered as you well know by this time) so I was pronounced cured handed a ridiculous “Chip” and sent on my way. Truth be told I think we were all tired and frustrated with each other at that point. I don’t think entities like AA, NA, Alanon and so on aren’t useful things. I’ve known far too many people who have lived better lives because of them to discount them in such an abrupt way.
In spite of the life I’ve lived sex, unfortunately, has ever been an addictive issue. I believe sex addiction exists but not nearly to the level people would like to believe it exists. It makes for a great fantasy or punch line to a joke but the reality is far more troublesome in the light of day. I’ve noticed a trend over the past few years where if you’re rich enough, famous enough (and apparently have a big enough putter) and you get caught with your pants down you can claim sex addiction and pay someone a ridiculous sum of money to cure you (Thanks Tiger….not) and hope everything goes away quickly.
For the rest of us, famous or not, addiction usually brings a rather unpleasant means to an end. Bob Crane (the Hogan’s Hero’s guy) was a legitimate sex addict that was beaten to death with a camera tripod while doing a dinner theater gig here in Scottsdale. Rumor has it because he filmed a few too many people having sex in his hotel room one night. Hardly a stellar way to go much less remembered by, his “drug of choice”, to use a PC term, seems to have the same outcome regardless.
I had been cautious of my drinking most all of my life going so far as to not drink at all for several years as a pious way of thinking I was better than my mother who was a full blown alcoholic a large portion of my growing up years and at times belligerent, other times suicidal.
I swore I would never become like that. In some ways I’ve lived to regret that oath.
When she became sober she was like most reborn alcoholics and after apologizing to everyone she ever encountered in her life (including the garbage men). She dove head first into religion as part of her penance and to make amends for her sins (real or imagined). To be around her was tedious at best and I found it difficult to determine if it were genuine or simply lip service in hopes of bluffing her way into forgiveness by whomever somewhere along the way. It made me stop and re-think my own views about religion. For that I must admit I have to thank her for.
Because of that I stopped being the dutiful eldest son. I had done all of that to this particular point in my life and was done with trying to be what I really wasn’t. I had the wife, the two kids (I love to death), the house with the mortgage, the two cars, at least one “regular” job to pay the bills, a couple of dogs romping around the yard, the Sunday School teacher and for a brief moment chairman of the board at the church. I had stuffed the real me into that box I wrote about some time back and only allowed bits and pieces to come out and play to maintain my sanity. All of that came grinding to a halt one day without notice or fanfare. My wife, at the time, woke up one morning and had no clue who I was. To be honest I’m not sure I knew who I was at that moment either. We went down in flames but emerged friends at the end.
I began to look inward and discovered I was not Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu or any other religion organized or otherwise yet at the same time I was all of those things.
I am agnostic by definition. I believe in God…end of story. I don’t feel a need to go to a building and sit there to talk to God nor do I feel the need to have to pay for the privilege of doing that. Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed and all the others are interesting people who like Republicans and Democrats all say pretty much the same thing in different ways and different practices and symbolism…hardly reasons for wars to be fought or laws to be written saying that one interpretation of something is better than the others. Keep it to yourself, believe however you want to believe and in whoever you want to believe in and shut the hell up and concentrate on something important like feeding people, giving them clean water and a decent education regardless of where they live or what they look like. For the cost of one military ordinance bullet you can pay for three math books.
How I ended up in real estate for nearly twenty years during this time is as much a mystery to me as it is anyone else. My best guess is the dutiful son snuck back in for one more shot at redemption and stuck around a lot longer than anyone could have predicted before the real me arose like a Phoenix bird once again and began pissing people off even more.
I never quite succeeded in making my parents entirely proud because of all of this and resulted in a love/hate relationship that was often times tense but cordial. Just as my mom’s health was diminishing due to her heart problems I was getting the first subtle twinges of my own. I was becoming easily fatigued and had to have a couple of extra drinks at night to try and turn my brain off so I could sleep and things progressed that way for almost a year.
My family is no different than anyone else’s. At times when you need it most they have your back but that doesn’t mean they can’t gossip about you behind you’re not around. It must be a sick way of showing they care about someone and no one seems to be exempt from this process. In spite of that fact you can’t help but love them anyways…besides…it leaves so many opportunities open for paybacks later.
Whispers of me “becoming just like mom” were widely circulated and in some cases with “holier than thou” exclamation points attached to it by some members of the family. Nothing could be further from the truth but who cares when “expert opinion” (not) is sooo much more fun.
My mother passed away several months before my own physical deterioration began to run its course so she missed all of the recent fun. My last memories of her was watching her sit at the long dining room table (that sat about twenty people) filled with every imaginable jar and bottle of more pills than any one pharmaceutical company makes with several of those weekly pill compartment things four or five deep and seven across and color coded with an oxygen line stuffed up her nose. In these she would put all of her assorted pills in by when they’re needed. Pink box for morning, blue for mid-morning, green for afternoon and so on, I remember thinking to myself “that will never happen to me.”
As the Zen master once said “We’ll see.”
I started having heart attacks during the day at odd times. They weren’t anything like you hear, read or see on TV and stuff at all but I knew instinctively what it was and my reaction to it was classically male…I tried to ignore it and figured they would go away on their own. When they became persistent I went the classic asshole direction and decided I could cure myself by making my body do what I wanted it to (a discussion my heart and I had a short time later and guess who won.) and just drank a little more at night to sleep. Eventually that didn’t work either and I would be woken out of a sound sleep by my heart shouting “Hey dumb shit! Pay attention to me!” My rational mind told me I could meditate the problem away…which in all honesty worked in the short term (translation…until the next night). Truth is…I was buying time. Our goofball bookkeeper had told us I couldn’t be added to Wendi’s health plan but just once a year and that wouldn’t be until October (almost three months from then). Being self employed health care was a luxury I couldn’t afford at the time. We found out later it could have been done at any time but…
The rest of that sad tale you know so we’ll skip ahead a few months. My meds were still in a constant state of tinkering over the next eighteen months it took to get back to “normal” (I love that word…don’t know what it really means but it’s fun to say now and then). They gave me meds to help me sleep but all they did was make me more awake. They let me start drinking small amounts of alcohol which made the med experiments interesting to say the least. I didn’t abuse the alcohol, in fact in some ways it helped. My first, now identified as a, seizure incident happened during that time. The family, including my wife, was quick to jump on the “alcohol as the culprit” bandwagon. As it turns out…nothing could have been further from the truth yet again.
Like I mentioned a moment ago they tried several things to help me get to sleep and turn my brain off at night and nothing worked. A topic of conversation that continues with my committee of white coated advisors to this day and probably will for some time yet. With all of the recent changes they’ve made to my meds as Howard says it “We’re reluctant to put more wood on the fire until we know what we’re up against.”
With sleep hanging in the balance I eventually gravitated back to the one thing I did know would put me to sleep…my old friend’s tequila and bourbon and for the most part had done the trick with no significant problems except for maybe one or two.
Alcohol is often called “truth serum” because you might say something you otherwise might defer from saying. God knows I’ve done my fair share of that in an effort to fall asleep and at times been less than tactful in the process. Like I mentioned before my mother had a belligerent side when she drank and I’m hereditarily predisposed to being an asshole on my father’s side. Needless to say that little genetic recipe can only be a hurtful disaster at all the wrong times and I’ve spent the past couple of years apologizing to the people I love for being such a dick at those times in so many ways…especially to my wife. Something I’m still working on at many levels. Not just from the drinking irresponsibly but for allowing it to be a, seemingly, good excuse to cut someone off at the knees when they least deserved it.
Addicts can be an entertaining group. If you ever want to learn how to split hairs creatively spend some time talking to one. They’ll give you a hundred and one reasons why they aren’t addicts at all except for one thing…why they couldn’t (or can’t) stop if they needed to. It doesn’t matter what the substance or activity there are some great excuses to be had.
I like to think that’s the difference between me and them is I have walked away from drinking so many times by my own choice without prompting and without withdrawals, regret, remorse or any other feeling of emptiness. I have many advisors I check in with periodically who know a great deal about subjects like this than I do and can give me straight honest answers and also tell me when I’m full of shit. Over the course of the rest of my life I probably will continue to back away now and then many times again in my life but not necessarily because someone said I had to but more because I see doing so at that time is the right thing to do. There’s a difference between doing that and enjoying a glass of wine with dinner or a few drinks with friends now and then than feeling you need to do to that excessively to feel complete or have the courage to do what deep inside you tells you is wrong for you personally.
Before you think about anything else ask yourself this…does this apply to me and my life? If so why? Am I right? Am I grounded or am I fighting windmills disguised as dragons? If not blow it off.
My family so wants me to be the scapegoat and whipping boy of their own dysfunctional lives that they may or may not believe what I’m saying or trying to say. They’re in dire need of someone to point a finger at and feel superior about. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter either way with me personally but how they ever reconcile things like this for themselves…
Like the old Zen master said…”We’ll see.”

LET’S TALK ABOUT ADDICTION

2012-01-27T15:36:00.000-08:00

There are many types of addiction to be sure. Smoking, drugs and alcohol are the obvious ones. Food can be one, chocolate, sex (I wish), personality disorders and pretty much anything you can conjure up.
I’ve never been a smoker. It always made me sick and green just wasn’t a color that looked good on me. Like most people of my generation I experimented a little with drugs and quickly discovered I could take ‘em or leave ‘em. They just weren’t that interesting. Unlike Bill Clinton I did inhale marijuana and for some years, due to the stressful circumstances in my life at that time, was the next best thing to a chain smoker for a while to stay calm. I bought Nabisco stock hoping to make some of the money back I spent buying Oreo’s back then years later. I went into therapy for a while only to be told by three different therapists I wasn’t an addict…just confused (really?). Talking about my past went nowhere because neither of us had any clue what we were supposed to be looking for (that answer was recently answered as you well know by this time) so I was pronounced cured and sent on my way. Truth be told I think we were all tired and frustrated with each other at that point.
In spite of the life I’ve lived sex, unfortunately, has ever been an addictive issue. I believe sex addiction exists but not nearly to the level people would like to believe it exists. It makes for a great fantasy or punch line to a joke but the reality is far more troublesome in the light of day. I’ve noticed a trend over the past few years where if you’re rich enough, famous enough (and apparently have a big enough putter) and you get caught with your pants down you can claim sex addiction and pay someone a ridiculous sum of money to cure you (Thanks Tiger….not) and hope everything goes away quickly.
For the rest of us, famous or not, addiction usually brings a rather unpleasant means to an end. Bob Crane (the Hogan’s Hero’s guy) was a legitimate sex addict that was beaten to death with a camera tripod while doing a dinner theater gig here in Scottsdale. Rumor has it because he filmed a few too many people having sex in his hotel room one night. Hardly a stellar way to go much less remembered by
I had been cautious of my drinking most all of my life going so far as to not drink at all for several years as a pious way of thinking I was better than my mother who was a full blown alcoholic a large portion of my growing up years and at times belligerent, other times suicidal.
I swore I would never become like that. In some ways I’ve lived to regret that oath.
When she became sober she was like most reborn alcoholics and after apologizing to everyone she ever encountered in her life (including the garbage men). She dove head first into religion as part of her penance and to make amends for her sins (real or imagined). To be around her was tedious at best and found it difficult to determine if it were genuine or simply lip service in hopes of bluffing her way into forgiveness by whomever somewhere along the way. It made me stop and re-think my own views about religion. For that I must admit I have to thank her for.
Because of that I stopped being the dutiful eldest son. I had done all of that to this particular point in my life and was done with trying to be what I really wasn’t. I had the wife, the two kids (I love to death), the house with the mortgage, the two cars, at least one “regular” job to pay the bills, a couple of dogs romping around the yard, the Sunday School teacher and for a brief moment chairman of the board at the church. I had stuffed the real me into that box I wrote about some time back and only allowed bits and pieces to come out and play to maintain my sanity. All of that came grinding to a halt one day without notice or fanfare. My wife, at the time, woke up one morning and had no clue who I was. To be honest I’m not sure I knew who I was at that moment.
I began to look inward and discovered I was not Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu or any other religion organized or otherwise yet at the same time I was all of those things.
I am agnostic by definition. I believe in God…end of story. I don’t feel a need to go to a building and sit there to talk to God nor do I feel the need to have to pay for the privilege of doing that. Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed and all the others are interesting people who like Republicans and Democrats all say pretty much the same thing in different ways…hardly reasons for wars to be fought or laws to be written saying that one interpretation of something is better than the others. Keep it to yourself, believe however you want to believe and in whoever you want to believe in and shut the hell up and concentrate on something important like feeding people, giving them clean water and a decent education regardless of where they live or what they look like. For the cost of one bullet you can pay for three math books.
How I ended up in real estate for nearly twenty years during this time is as much a mystery to me as it is anyone else. My best guess is the dutiful son snuck back in for one more shot at redemption and stuck around a lot longer than anyone could have predicted before the real me arose like a Phoenix bird once again and began pissing people off even more.
I never quite succeeded in making my parents entirely proud because of all of this and resulted in a love/hate relationship that was often times tense but cordial. Just as my mom’s health was diminishing due to her heart problems I was getting the first subtle twinges of my own. I was becoming easily fatigued and had to have a couple of extra drinks at night to try and turn my brain off so I could sleep and things progressed that way for almost a year.
My family is no different than anyone else’s. At times when you need it most they have your back but that doesn’t mean they can’t gossip about you behind your back. It must be a sick way of showing they care about someone and no one seems to be exempt from this process. In spite of that fact you can’t help but love them anyways…besides…it leaves so many opportunities open for paybacks later.
Whispers of me “becoming just like mom” were widely circulated and in some cases with “holier than thou” exclamation points attached by some members of the family. Nothing could be further from the truth but who cares when “expert opinion” (not) is sooo much more fun.
My mother passed away several months before my own physical deterioration began to run its course so she missed all of the recent fun. My last memories of her was watching her sit at the long dining room table (that sat about twenty people) filled with every imaginable jar and bottle of more pills than any one pharmaceutical company makes with several of those weekly pill compartment things four or five deep and seven across and color coded with an oxygen line stuffed up her nose. In these she would put all of her assorted pills in by when they’re needed. Pink box for morning, blue for mid-morning, green for afternoon and so on, I remember thinking to myself “that will never happen to me.”
As the Zen master once said “We’ll see.”
I started having heart attacks during the day at odd times. They weren’t anything like you hear, read or see on TV and stuff at all but I knew instinctively what it was and my reaction to it was classically male…I tried to ignore it and figured they would go away on their own. When they became persistent I went the classic asshole direction and decided I could cure myself by making my body do what I wanted it to (a discussion my heart and I had a short time later and guess who won.) and just drank a little more at night to sleep. Eventually that didn’t work either and I would be woken out of a sound sleep by my heart shouting “Hey dumb shit! Pay attention to me!” My rational mind told me I could meditate the problem away…which in all honesty worked in the short term (translation…until the next night). Truth is…I was buying time. Our goofball bookkeeper had told us I couldn’t be added to Wendi’s health plan but just once a year and that wouldn’t be until October (almost three months from then). Being self employed health care was a luxury I couldn’t afford at the time. We found out later it could have been done at any time but…
The rest of that sad tale you know so we’ll skip ahead a few months. My meds were still in a constant state of tinkering of the next eighteen months it took to get back to “normal” (I love that word…don’t know what it really means but it’s fun to say now and then). They gave me meds to help me sleep but all they did was make me more awake. They let me start drinking small amounts of alcohol which made the med experiments interesting to say the least. I didn’t abuse the alcohol, in fact in some ways it helped. My first, now identified as a, seizure incident happened during that time. The family, including my wife, was quick to jump on the “alcohol as the culprit” bandwagon. As it turns out…nothing could have been further from the truth.
Like I mentioned a moment ago they tried several things to help me get to sleep and turn my brain off at night and nothing worked. A topic of conversation that continues with my committee of white coated advisors to this day and probably will for some time yet. With all of the recent changes they’ve made to my meds as Howard says it “We’re reluctant to put more wood on the fire until we know what we’re up against.”
With sleep hanging in the balance I eventually gravitated back to the one thing I did know would put me to sleep…my old friend’s tequila and bourbon and for the most part had done the trick with no significant problems except for maybe one or two.
Alcohol is often called “truth serum” because you might say something you otherwise might defer from saying. God knows I’ve done my fair share of that in an effort to fall asleep and at times been less than tactful in the process. Like I mentioned before my mother had a belligerent side when she drank and I’m hereditarily predisposed to being an asshole on my father’s side. Needless to say that little genetic recipe can only be a hurtful disaster at all the wrong times and I’ve spent the past couple of years of apologizing to the people I love for being such a dick at those times in so many ways…especially to my wife. Something I’m still working on at many levels. Not from the drinking but for allowing it to be a good excuse to cut someone off at the knees when they least deserved it.
Alcoholics can be an entertaining group. If you ever want to learn how to split hairs creatively spend some time talking to one. They’ll give you a hundred and one reasons why they aren’t alcoholics at all except for one thing…why they couldn’t (or can’t) stop if they needed to.
I like to think that’s the difference between me and them. I have walked away from drinking so many times without withdrawals, regret, remorse or any other feeling of emptiness. I have many advisors I check in with periodically who know a great deal about subjects like this and can give me straight honest answers and also tell me when I’m full of shit. Over the course of the rest of my life I probably will continue to do so many times again but not necessarily because someone said I had to but because I see doing so at that time is the right thing to do. There’s a difference between doing that and enjoying a glass of wine with dinner or a few drinks with friends now and then than feeling you need to do to that excessively to feel complete.
Before you think about anything else ask yourself this…does this apply to me and my life? If so why? Am I right? Am I grounded or am I fighting windmills disguised as dragons? If not blow it off.
My family so wants me to be the scapegoat and whipping boy of their own dysfunctional lives that they may or may not believe what I’m saying or trying to say. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter either way with me personally but how they reconcile things like this for themselves…
Like the old Zen master said…”We’ll see.”

MESSING WITH KIDS HEADS

2012-01-24T10:58:00.000-08:00

There’s an added advantage to being my age and perceived as somewhat disabled. One is what you hear isn’t always what someone says. It makes for interesting (albeit frustrating at times) conversations with the participating people. The other advantage is you can get away with saying a lot of things people might think but never say out loud and people will just assume you need your meds adjusted again. With kids either side of that equation can be laughs by the boatload… for me at least. The trick, I’ve discovered is to use terminology they’re too young to know about and historical and social references they haven’t learned about from school or TV yet.
Some time back we had one of the many family gatherings that, more often than not, took place at our house because A) We had the room to do so and B) We had the kitchen, equipment, barbecues and smokers (not to mention the freezers and refrigerators) to prepare and feed a small country.
As would often be the case the smell of the food cooking and smoking would make the grandkids and their child like relatives, friends and assorted conspirators of similar size to be in a constant state of hunger long before dinner would be ready. At times like this they would usually hit “Papa” up for a snack. A) I was generally always in the kitchen making something. B) The other adults were too busy gossiping to hear the kid’s requests and C) They were always entertained by the performance (think of it as Dinner and a Show for the “Must be in bed by 8PM” crowd).
Generally I start out asking them what they’d like to eat and then after getting all of their answers decide what I feel like making for them while launching into a mash-up of every kids show that’s ever been made as I head towards the refrigerator. Bear in mind…the sicker, more twisted or gross you can get without stepping over that graphic boundary line the more kids like it. I don’t know why but they do. As I recall I thought that shit was funny when I was their age too.
“Gee Mr. Veetle, what’s in the Magic Refrigerator today?” “I don’t know Bobby, let’s find out shall we.” “Let’s see… we have a jar of caterpillars Bill Nye the Science Guy left here, some peanut butter, some hard boiled eggs Mr. Rogers dropped by (at which time I turn around and ask “Can you say “hard boiled?” I knew you could.” And let’s see….” “What’s that Mr. Veetle?” “Oh, that’s a head of cabbage Bobby.” “Are you sure Mr. Veetle? It kinda looks like the head of Mr. Nash the mailman.” “No Bobby it’s a head of cabbage. I got it fresh out of our neighbor John Wayne Gacy’s garden this morning.” “Besides, Mr. Nash has two ears and this only has one.” “Oh, OK Mr. Veetle. If you say so.”
About this time I finish making whatever I’m going to feed them and serve it to them. The kids are giggling and happily eating their snack. It’s then, and only then, I notice the silence in the rest of the house. I look up to see all of the adults in the house staring at me with eyes as big a saucers and their mouths hanging open nearly to the floor unable to speak. A personal “gotcha” moment for me, a photographic moment Kodak would love to have and Hallmark couldn’t come up with a sappy rhyme for. Vengeance is mine.
I have been quick to notice though that, given the right environment, children don’t need much encouragement to be bizarre. They discover early on that not much is out of bounds in “Papa’s World” which they appreciate. A perfect illustration is this:
My youngest daughter (The youngest of the three daughters by a mere eight weeks but…) who had some serious career choices to make in her life that went from World domination to gorilla motherhood and opted for the latter, she now has three beautiful, talented daughters who think camouflage is a fashion statement. She recently became leader of a radical faction of the PTA in the town she lives in out in IOWA. They meet in a secret bunker hidden in a cornfield and plot out subversive bake sales and paramilitary training disguised as “play dates” for the kids.
While she was still living here in the valley she asked if I could watch the girls for the afternoon while she did a bunch of things and I agreed to do this. At the time there were only two of them ages three and six. My daughter was pregnant with number three at the time.
At the appointed time she pulled up in the side driveway (that doubled as a landing strip for small planes in the neighborhood) in her SWAT team vehicle disguised as a family SUV fitted with Rhino bars, armor plating, bulletproof windows, and air lines with masks that fell out of a compartment in the ceiling if foul odors entered the vehicle. The car seats were bolted to the Kevlar covered seats. It had tires that would travel for fifty miles even after being punctured by armor piercing shells and a cute little “Baby on Board” sign in the back window. To say she is an overprotective mother would be more than a mild understatement.
She would hand me the keys because she knew I was going to have to pick my wife up at work later and wanted to make sure the girls were safe on the trip. Took the keys to my car and was off with a hearty “Hi, Ho, Silver” to points unknown.
The youngest was quick to notice we were one dog short that day. “Where’s Jack?” she asked.
“Jack got sick and passed away” I said as I tried how to explain this whole concept to her when she asked “What does that mean?” Before I could utter a word the six year old lets out an evil laugh and says “ That means he got buried under a big pile of dirt in the back yard.” Before falling to the floor in fits of laughter, truth be told…she wasn’t far off the mark.
Jack had been our rescue dog. Our office at the time was in the far north part of the valley at Carefree Highway and 28th Dr. One day my wife sees a silver Mercedes pull up in front of our office and take a pure breed pointer out of his car and tie his leash to a handicapped sign post next to it while he unloaded some things out of the back seat. Wendi figured he was taking the dog to the vet down the walkway and thought nothing of it and went back to what she was doing. A few minutes later she looks up and the dog and his stuff are still there and the Mercedes was gone. To make a long story short we inherited a dog that the vet told us had been starved, beaten and tied (probably to a water spicket) by his very short leash on a permanent basis and was half dead, could hardly walk and had difficulty standing up but we took him home anyway rather than put him down.
Our Rottweiler was a lovable oversized lap dog the kids loved and she was very protective of the grandkids. God help the person who tried to get between her and the grandkids without first saying hello to her and getting her permission to approach them. The only negative to her personality was she didn’t like other dogs. She would do everything in her power to tear through a fence or window to get at a dog two blocks away and was therefore in her territory because she could see them. We cautiously introduced Jack (my wife named him that because she said his spots were the color of Jack Daniels…and he walked like a drunk) to Angel. Angel surprisingly didn’t act aggressively and seemed to understand his predicament and immediately took charge of him.
Jack was malnourished, crippled, had no reverse gear but was lovable and the grandkids took to him immediately and had great fun trying to keep him from running into things and out of places he couldn’t back out of. Angel grew tired of having to nudge him out of harm’s way and being stepped on but she still got quickly attached to him too. Jack was showing slight signs of getting better every day.
A few days before the girls came over we made the mistake of leaving the dogs outside while we ran an errand. When we came home we found Jack floating in the pool and Angel lying on the pool deck near him looking heartbroken. We fished him out and my daughter and son-in-law (the one’s we live with now) were living in our guest house at the time and took him out to the horse arena behind it and buried him in the far corner.
All of that lay fresh in my mind while the six year old was doubled over in self created laughter. A short time later we had to go get Wendi at the office so off up the freeway we headed. At the time they were widening the I-17 to Anthem and building the new interchange where the I-17 and the 303 would connect so there was a lot of construction going on.
Out of the blue both girls shriek with laughter and shout “Look Papa! Big piles of dirt! What have they buried there?!” and with each pile of dirt they saw from there to Carefree Highway they would laugh even harder.
It just goes to show you. Children don’t need anyone’s help to be twisted but it’s still fun to try now and then. It’s still fun to get the better of my kids when they least expect it too. The world must remain cautious. I am old and have drugs…you never know what I’ll say next or when.
More later.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LATELY

2012-01-23T12:29:00.000-08:00

First and foremost: It’s not a bright idea to think you’re smart enough when you’re tired to write a blog page. So many things get left out that might have actually made sense to what I wrote. My apologies to everyone who were unfortunate enough to read last night’s post.
Experimenting with recreational drugs when I was younger was interesting but expensive. These days…standing up too fast gets the same effect and it’s free. Not only that, as Robin Williams recently pointed out, we have reached an age where our doctors are now our pushers and give us far more interesting shit for free.
I have discovered there really is no difference in Republicans and Democrats anymore. They all say the same things; they just use different words while pointing fingers at the other one complaining the other guy is too stupid to realize they’re the smart ones. For much the same reason I have no fantasy to see Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi or Michelle Bachman naked. That would fall under TMI and I may never be able to sleep again. It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase on one of my son-in-laws t-shirts that says “Can’t go to sleep…clowns will eat me”.
AARP is a super secret government entity. How else would they know to send you membership information the week before your fiftieth birthday and how else would they find out you were just in the hospital and send you health care info and brochures for assisted living centers the day you get home from the hospital? The discounts are nice but I can only eat at Denny’s once a year without my stomach and taste buds revolting. Besides…apparently I look so feeble these days I get discounts everywhere I go without flashing that cute little red, grey and white card. The only time it really comes in handy are the few times a year my wife and I actually have to go near Sun City. Happy hour is still 10AM – 7PM seven days a week but to get the extra discount you have to show your card (my wife loves it she says it’s like being twenty-one again).
Sending away for samples isn’t always as great as they seem either. You quickly end up with a house full of crap you’ll never use again if you ever use it at all (the kids have developed an attitude of extreme caution when opening their Christmas gifts from us these days fearing what might be inside that we wanted to get rid of). I made the mistake of agreeing to test drive “ObamaCare” not too long ago (why they contacted a Republican for this is beyond me). I chose the $230.00 a month plan for my wife and me to see what we got for the money. Three months later a package was thrown through our front window by the mailman. Inside the box was our first monthly installment of ObamaCare. It consisted of two tongue depressors with the words “Can also be used as splints.” printed on one side, six packets holding two 325mg Aspirin tablets each, a small roll of duct tape, a small roll of silk fishing line, two fish hooks, a small packet of sewing needles, a small bottle of rubbing alcohol, twelve band-aids, a two page list of participating physicians and hospitals around the country (most places you can’t even find with Google Maps) and a three hundred page booklet of medicines not covered by this program. It gave me a warm fuzzy just thinking of how I’m going to be taken care of if this program actually passes.
Sex as I’ve gotten older is even more of an adventure than it was when I was younger. It doesn’t mean I’ve learned a whole lot of new things as I’ve aged. Most of that stuff you learn the first fifteen or twenty years of your post-pubescent life. The things you learn after that are more technique and application. Given this lifestyle I live in you have many opportunities to practice and refine those things over the years. If you’re lucky enough to develop a technique or style that really catches on you develop a reputation for it. The down side of that is you have to keep figuring out how to maintain that edge. At this day and age I can still drive a nail through a 2X4 with my manhood…I just can’t build an entire house anymore. Like many men my age these days I raise the white flag a little earlier than I used to at let someone else take over as I drag my sorry ass back to the bar to recover. In spite of that fact though I find myself in the awkward position of having to send a much delayed Thank-you note to President Obama and his health care idea, I have been able to figure out an additional use for those tongue depressors and duct tape…you figure out how.
On to figure out how I fit into this ever changing world we live in these days.

IT’S GOOD TO BE KING

2012-01-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

There are a few advantages and perks that come along with the age I am now. Only a few of them have been handed to me due to my physical deterioration. Most are badges awarded for longevity, ability to survive and wisdom gleaned in the process. With each badge won and leaders fallen you advance up the hierarchy to positions of more power and authority.
Assuming you were granted the power early on you were master of your castle. It’s still in question whether I had such power back then or simply given figurehead status for public ceremonial use only. My ex-wife who went from wife to sister and my current wife and most trusted advisor (who also share the same name, just spelled differently) know the answer to that question but aren’t willing to tell me what it is.
In any event I have amassed and become defacto master of many houses over the years. My children defer to my judgment…sometimes (a giant step forward in many ways from the battles once fought when they were teenagers and I had a ready grave dug in the backyard to put them in if necessary.). They seek out my council (usually when they want an argument settled between themselves and their spouses or their kids.). The grandkids are still grappling with the position of authority I hold. At one moment they will approach me at the foot of my throne with sorrowful faces and water filed eyes and ask “Papa can I (enter request here)?” This is one of those moments when being legally deaf has a fun side because they assume I can’t hear anything at all. I look down at them with comforting eyes and ask “What did your parents say?” (Knowing full well what conversations have already transpired). Their gaze fails to meet my eyes any longer as the quietly say “They said no.” I always allow for a long dramatic pause before saying “Then I’m going to have to say no too then.”
This generally brings out the waterworks and the frustrated admonishment “…but YOU’RE THE PAPA!” as if I still had the power and authority to reverse their parents decision, send them to their room, give them a time-out or spank them (THAT thought is so twisted I won’t even store it in my “kinky” closet).
The very same child will on a different occasion sit down next to me and tell me when we’re babysitting them “My mommy and daddy let me do this, that and the other thing at home all the time.” Thinking I’m really as senile as I look and mightily surprised when that trick doesn’t work either. Children can’t win or lose with me it appears.
My influence reaches far beyond the confines of my castle these days as well. In the lifestyle I have chosen to live within my adult life I am considered an elder statesman, diplomat and respected authority of it which has allowed me to write countless articles (and one book in the works) about the subject along with speaking and lecturing on it over the years. I have been interviewed in print, radio and TV at local and national levels and even been called as a witness in courts in support of it yet I’m still just another face in the crowd.
My wife and I have been fortunate enough to be hosts every month for the past seven years of a meet and greet for like minded people who share that lifestyle with us. They are well attended events filled with people from all walks of life from doctors, lawyers, educators, members of the clergy, captains of finance and industry, UPS drivers, grocery clerks, artists, musicians, mechanics, realtors and every other imaginable occupation you can come up with and we are blessed to know them and have them in our lives.
We had one such event last night. Sort of a coming out party for me since my recent little setback, I was more nervous about this one than anything I’ve done in quite a while. I wasn’t sure how people might react. Many of them read my blogs and articles in other places so I knew a lot of them had been following my adventures of late and their possible reactions to my current circumstances were a bit uncertain. I have been a rather public face for a discreet group of people for a large part of my life now. Would this be too much for them to bear?
My concerns it would appear were unfounded. The place was packed with more people than have said they were going to be there. The sincere offers of support were overwhelming and truly appreciated. What made my heart swell were the genuine display of concern for my wife. After the pats on the back and the heartfelt statements I would move on and work the crowd as I have always done at this event. My wife would be pulled aside and asked questions that would always begin with “his blog is great but…” and would be followed by “What’s really going on with him?” It was the next question they would ask that made me proud to call all of these people my friends. That question would be asked directly to her… “How are YOU doing and holding up?”
I now know I will stand shoulder to shoulder with these people for the rest of my life. They don’t roll out red carpets for me; they don’t genuflect in front of me or anything like that. They simply show me an honest, sincere, deeply unwavering affection for me and mine.
I may not outwardly wear a crown or have an entourage around me but inside me I do. I can sit on my stool on nights like that and look around at the faces in front of me and think “It’s good to be King” without looking or sounding like a jerk doing it. I wear the badges inside me to prove I’ve earned it. If anyone’s really interested in seeing them I’ve been fitted with a zipper on my chest some years ago and will gladly show them to you.
In the meantime I move forward to my next challenge.

BACK TO THE LAND OF AZ

2012-01-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

A couple of years ago I had the misfortune, as everyone does from time to time, to pay a visit to the Department of Motor Vehicle to renew the tags on our car. Normally these days that’s something that can easily be done online but this situation was a little more complicated and required a face to face visit with the Great and Powerful Wizard who runs the land of AZ.
Within a matter of seconds I was reduced from a human to a number and had become K693 for the duration of my visit. How long was the duration you ask? I celebrated my birthday there with my new found friends. The problem there is I started this process the Monday after Thanksgiving. My birthday is in March…you do the math. By the time I made it home with the new tags on the car what little hair I had left on my head had grown considerably. The kids couldn’t decide if I looked more like Albert Einstein or Karl Marx (I opted for Groucho). The whole thing was quite traumatic to say the least.
With my recent medical and physical maladies still fresh and raw it was decided by all parties (except me) I needed to get a handicapped sticker. Since I’m no longer allowed to drive I found that a somewhat redundant and belated move. What was I supposed to do hang it on my ear or staple it to my ass? Yet I reluctantly agreed. My regular doctor, Howard, (I love this guy. Everyone should have Howard as their doctor. The guy’s just as sick and twisted as I am.) couldn’t sign the paperwork fast enough and gleefully marked a big X in the Permanent box in the choices of how long the permit should be for. A dagger that went straight through my heart, not only have I been denied the chance to beat him in basketball, but now it rules out trying to run him down in the parking lot as well.
With paper in hand I shuffle off to the car looking and feeling like a kid being sent to the Principals Office. I must go and face the Wizard…again. The DMV office is a mere two blocks away from Howard’s office so I had little or no time to come up with a perfectly ridiculous excuse that would convince my wife not to take me there. Being the evil person she is she made me go in alone while she stayed in the car hoping to start and finish War and Peace before I returned.
My trembling hand (remember the meds are still messing with me) I open the door and enter the Land of AZ. The Keno boards filled with letters and numbers were still there along with the faceless soothing voice guiding people to their ultimate demise. The people still have the same look of resignation cattle have being led to slaughter yet something was different.
Even places like the Land of AZ tweak the system now and then just to see if anyone is paying attention. They call it streamlining I call it fucking with your mind. I suspect in the long scheme of things…it’s all the same thing.
I look around to see which line I’m supposed to stand in to begin this travesty when a bright shining light from the heavens shines onto a small sign no one is standing at “Geriatrics and Droolers Start Here”. As I start towards the sign I turn and thank the security guard still turning off and putting away his flashlight. I hand the nice lady behind the counter my form and a moment later I am handed a freshly minted handicapped thingy instead of a ticket with a letter and number on it. The Great and Powerful Az has taken pity on me. I bounce out to the car to be greeted by a surprised wife who has only gotten to page ten at that point. She puts the book away and we drive off in the opposite direction of the sunset home.
I still don’t know why I had to get one of those things. My wife and daughter are the only ones who have had the opportunity to enjoy its benefits so far. From what I hear it’s been far easier to find parking while shopping these days for them but time will tell if it’s all worth going off to see the Wizard for or not.

MEMORIES...

2012-01-19T12:33:00.001-08:00

Are not in the corners of my mind…well…actually they are. They’re just freaking hard to find these days. I’ve had my breakfast. I took my shower so my wife would stop complaining that I smell like a troll. I have my tea beside me as I…what was I saying? Oh yeah… as I gaze out on the picturesque parking lot of our apartment complex. I have my treasure map in front of me so let’s go find those pesky and elusive memories everyone romantically sings about.
First off, this has nothing to do with my recent foray into medical guinea pigness. This all began a few years earlier with all of my heart surgeries.
The doctors are quick to tell you things as you’re being wheeled down a hall with an army of white coats around you things like “If we don’t do this right now you’re going to die!” “We’re going to keep you conscious through the surgery because we’ll need to ask you questions from time to time but you won’t remember any of it later.” My first thought was…”wanna bet?” which left me with only one plausible and rational response since I was still very under the influence of the other drugs they gave me for the surgery I was just coming out of and that was “OK wake me when it’s over.” Then I looked at my wife as if to say “The ball’s in your court now…run with it. “ and I went back to sleep.
What they don’t tell you are things I didn’t learn until several days later after they brought me out of the coma. I come to in a private room in Cardiac ICU (which has become my personal suite. I have a decorator re-do the whole thing every six months to keep it fresh) and, as is typical for people doing this, I started to try and rip my ventilator out of my mouth and the wires and IV’s out of my arms. Needless to say I got a shot of something wonderful (I still don’t know what it was but it was OUTSTANDING!) as they tied my hands down and as I drifted back to sleep I remember thinking “We need to buy an olive pitter.” And out I went.
When I awoke some time later that maniac surgeon was standing at the foot of my bed as the breathing tube was being removed. There must be a class that all doctors and food servers must take because he starts asking me questions while my mouth is still full of this large plastic tube expecting me to give him an answer! Just like “So how’s your dinner?” I eventually regain my composure (and the urge to strangle him) and settle back for out little bedside chat.
It’s then, and only then, that he drops the first bomb. “It’s quite common for people who undergo the type of trauma and surgery your body went through to have a certain amount of memory loss. Some will be short lived and some will be gone forever. Because you were also in a coma you may not get as much back as others might.” “Well thanks for the heads up beforehand pal!” I’m thinking to myself. He talks about the emotions I’ll be going through and my other doctors will help me work through that (Queue the conversation that was never had about anti-depressants as “My Heart Bleeds for You” plays softly in the background by a string quartet.) With that he was off, never to be seen again but the masked man did leave a silver bullet at the foot of my bed… along with a bill.
He proved to be pretty accurate. I, thankfully, don’t remember anything about the surgery. According to my wife I was one angry asshole for a very long time. Today, thanks to the anti-depressants I’m only an asshole. Medicines can only correct so many things and unfortunately hereditary issues aren’t necessarily one of them. If you look in the dictionary today under “asshole” there’s still a family portrait there of at least four generations of Eakins men. My memory is the pile of shit my surgeon predicted it would be. It amazes me what I do and don’t remember.
Every one of us hangs our hat on the memories we’ve tucked away in our heads. Some stay factual, some take on an illusion of what we had wished or hoped had happened. The disconcerting part about illusions is that, given enough time, they seem to become real. Reality for me these days is much more of an interesting challenge than fantasy and sometimes it’s difficult to filter what is and isn’t real. Childhood memories sometimes become suspect. Most people can remember large parts of their childhood and growing up. The people they knew, the places they lived and had visited the magical (and sometimes not so magical) moments of being a kid.
I can remember quite vividly when I was so young I couldn’t walk or talk. I was lying in my crib supposedly going to sleep when I had this epiphany of a thought I just had to share it with my parents. I pulled myself up into a standing position and began to get their attention. Now remember, I couldn’t talk yet so a large amount of blabbering, noise making and probably the occasional cry was involved (some things don’t change in nearly sixty years) but this was important shit. My dad eventually came into the room quietly asking me what was up as he picked me up and carried me across my yellow walled bedroom and sat down with me in the rocker in the corner while I frantically told him my idea. Before long I was out like a light.
I remember that brief incident so long ago it’s not funny but I can’t tell you the names of half of the kids I went to school with and even fewer of my college classmates. We won’t even get started on teachers. I can tell you the day and place I bought my first car… but I don’t remember what I had for lunch three days ago. I fondly remember the girl I lost my virginity to and when and where but the lovers I’ve had through my adult life in this lifestyle I live in… few and far between at best. My phone number and social security number are a crapshoot. You may get me if you call or you may get a support service technician in India. If you get “Hello, my name is “Mike” how can I help you?” It’s a sure bet I gave you the wrong number. E-mail my wife for the right one.
Memories are fleeting…especially for someone like me. It’s going to be interesting what treasures I uncover this year as I dig through the rest of my brain. As long as I don’t make that wrong turn in Albuquerque I should be just fine.
Stay tuned campers.

This brain fart brought to you by Paxil. If you can’t afford your prescription contact GLAXOSMITHKLEIN to see if they can help.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane...

2012-01-18T13:33:00.000-08:00

“No Dad…the sky’s in the other direction. Let me help you back up.” And so begins my new journey.
Not a typical beginning to be sure. In stories I’ve written in the past they began in somewhat more scenic and exotic locations for the most part and not face down in a parking lot in north Scottsdale. This will be a first on many levels.
My doctor’s visits have been made; my meds have been adjusted once again in an attempt to regain a somewhat normal blood pressure level in my body. So now I can sit here with my green tea and a plate of cheese, meat, olives and fruit and begin to make some sense of what lies ahead for me.
Let me tell you right from the get-go…getting older is not all that bad. It’s not for the faint hearted either. Things you take for granted in life somehow take on a new life all their own and how you deal with them can be frustrating, humorous or downright disheartening depending on how you approach things.
As an example: The dashing international playboy with the chiseled body of yesterday has been replaced one night while I was sleeping by a genetic blending of Colonel Sanders and Mr. Clean. Not too long ago I won first prize at a Halloween party for my “Uncle Fester” costume. The problem was…I wasn’t wearing a costume but that didn’t deter me from graciously accepting the award.
I have been fortunate enough in life to avoid some of the physical mishaps men my age have had to deal with thus I have never taken Viagra, Cialis or such things. Yes ladies it’s true…I’m still organic but if you want to utilize my services please contact me between the hours of 2PM and 4PM after I’ve had my nap otherwise all bets are off. (A sick part of me would love to give those things a try while I still take nitrates for my heart. I’d love to see just how low blood pressure can go.)
I’m still a gourmet cook and aficionado of fine wine, good bourbon and stellar tequila. I just can’t have as much of it as I used to. Living like a rock star wasn’t a good fit for me. A) Because I’m stone deaf. B) Because it never occurred to me to learn a musical instrument. C) I am legally prohibited from singing in seventeen states, thirty-two counties and at least twelve cities around the world (I’m even prohibited from singing karaoke in Japan). And D) I never really looked all that good in spandex.
Living like a bohemian artist doesn’t work so well these days either. The older I’ve gotten the less clutter I can tolerate. Mismatched furniture hurts my brain. Sleek, modern and uncluttered is the world I prefer to live and work in these days. Partially because that’s where I am mentally these days and partially because all of these people with clipboards who have recently entered my life want me to have wide unobstructed pathways so I don’t fall and kill anyone on the way to the bathroom.
I’m anxious to start painting again but the remnants of my studio of long ago are locked away in a giant storage locker along with all of my other belongings that I have been banned from entering by my wife and children (even my eldest granddaughter has gotten into the act) so it’s anybody’s guess when that’s likely to actually happen. My wife, three daughters, three son-in-laws and four granddaughters have circled the wagons and placed guards to keep me out of trouble. Since that mishap on NYE with the glass I’ve been reduced to plastic cups. I’ve come to appreciate the philosophical underpinnings of that unfortunate song “Red Solo Cup” Toby Keith sings about. I used to hate it…now I’m starting to like it.
In the meantime I’m reduced to sitting here writing what Shakespeare once described as “a tale told by a fool, filled with sound and fury, signifying…nothing.”
For those crazy few who asked me to write more about what was happening to me. Please fasten your seat belts and put your tray tables and seat backs in the upright position… we’re in for an interesting ride.

Simple Pleasures

2012-01-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

A New Year, the old one is just barely gone at the time I’m writing this. This is generally the time people trot out their “Thank God the old year is over, blah, blah, blah” speeches. They bemoan how terrible the last year was (which it most certainly was this last year) and how “This year things are going to be different” statements followed by an assortment of resolutions regarding losing weight, quitting smoking and whatnot. Some sincere, some not so much but all said by everyone this time of year as if required by law to do so. I started to do that yet again but was stopped short by a more direct form of resolution generation.
I have lived what many people consider an exciting life filled with adventure (sexual and otherwise), travel, art, music and intellectual pursuits surrounded by sensual and interesting people (some famous, some infamous) whom I still have a deep and unwavering affection for and will until I die. I am proud to call those people friends. I was fortunate enough to meet and marry the true love of my life (although I do wish it had been sooner in life). Together we have shared many experiences only a few have dared to consider and been stronger for it. I have eaten elegant meals in exotic locations prepared and served by celebrity chefs at their personal tables. I have sampled fine wines direct from the barrels at legendary vineyards with world class wine makers and owners. My wife and I are preferred guests at several five star hotels and our wardrobes have been tended to or created by some of the most talented designers and tailors in the world yet our lives have hardly been “charmed”.
My health problems over the past six or seven years have been well documented in other scribbling I have done so I won’t bore anyone with a regurgitation of that. With health problems often comes the ability to maintain a steady cash flow and constant adjustments to one’s lifestyle. Going from homes larger than most people’s “McMansions” with more rooms and guest houses than a person can use, expensive cars that don’t get you from point A to point B any faster or more comfortably than one a third of the price (and still more than you first house costs) to no car at all at periods of time and small apartments smaller than your former master bedroom. I have experienced these things in the past year or so and more.
With each adjustment would prompt a re-assessment of what had brought me to that moment and what I should do to right the sinking ship and change its course. Such a process began, yet again, last summer. The New Year wasn’t even on the radar yet. My health was unstable at best so my, ever growing, collection of doctors and I began a quest to find out just what was wrong with me. Along with that I began to question how I earned a living. I had marginalized what I had spent my life learning about art, writing, and photography. I had continued to earn “fun money” doing those things but had abandoned those vocations as my primary source of income almost twenty years ago and replaced them with real estate. I wrestled and forced the real me and my true nature into Pandora’s Box and locked it tight storing it in a dark corner of a closet full of useless junk back so many years ago.
October of 2011 was a largely forgettable month. We were no closer to figuring out what was wrong with me and my lack of energy and other ailments. My real estate business had evaporated. My wife, my rock who had stuck with me through all of the changes and made some pretty tough decisions on my behalf at times I was incapable of making them myself had just about reached the end of her rope. Some drastic changes needed to be made and quickly.
Through all of this that box was rattling in the back of my mind.
An off handed chance conversation with my primary doctor shed the first shred of light on my predicament. He asked what anti-depressants had been prescribed after my heart surgery. He almost fell off of his stool when I said “none”. Apparently the normal course of treatment after a major surgery is to put someone on anti-depressants to help combat the anger, fear and depression they will most certainly feel after such an experience. Needless to say I was put on yet another drug to my ever growing collection of pills immediately.
About the same time my broker (and one of my best friends) and I had a heart to heart talk about my business. I had gone from a shining star of real estate to not even being on the radar anymore. It was decided I should put my license on hold with the State while I decide what I really want to do when I grow up.
So it’s now November. The New Year is drawing closer and I find myself jobless, homeless (we had to give up our apartment because my wife had been laid off nearly two years ago and people our age are hardly employable at the moment and she had run out of unemployment benefits) and carless. I had succeeded in becoming what I had jokingly threatened to become at some point in my life… a burden to my children. We had been reduced to sleeping on one of our daughters couches while we figured out what to do next.
Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went without fanfare. While searching for work during that time I chanced upon two creative positions with the same company and dutifully sent my resume’ to them and was soundly rejected. Undaunted I sent them a letter suggesting they combine both positions. I was more than qualified for both even though I hadn’t been actively involved in a creative field for more than twenty years but they could more than afford the salary I was asking by combining the two positions. With that I waited for their response.
New Year’s Eve was a quiet one in comparison to many we’ve had in the past spent with our daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter eating pizza and wings with a glass of wine while the kids played on the Wii they bought for Christmas. It was far from the lavish spectacles experienced years before filled with decadent food, rivers of alcohol and elegantly dressed people who eventually become naked piles of flesh enjoying the pleasures of each other’s bodies. Somehow the scene before me this particular night seemed just perfect. Simple food, a couple glasses of wine and family.
Midnight came and we toasted the New Year with a glass of Rose’ Cava, put the granddaughter to bed and settled on the couches to talk while we wound down and got tired enough to sleep.
As we began our “Thank God the year is over” speeches I got up to put an empty glass on the counter in the kitchen and get a drink of water. The glass barely made it to the counter when I felt myself going to the floor taking the glass with me. A moment later I feel someone trying to get me up off of the floor before going down a second time. I later learned it had been my wife and my feet had been shaking so badly she couldn’t get me balanced in a stable manner. It took her, my son-in-law and my daughter to get me up bleeding from several cuts on both hands and arms from the glass which had broken in my hand. They bandaged my wounds and put me on the couch where I slept restlessly through the remainder of the night. The next morning I had a small breakfast and was ordered to stay on the couch. At one point my wife decided to change my bandages. Once again I found myself hitting the floor with my feet and arms shaking uncontrollably.
After a brief phone conversation with my doctor (it pays to have their cell phones on speed dial) and fresh bandages I found myself in the all too familiar confines of John C. Lincoln Deer Valley ER (they’re going to name an entire wing after me soon). Eight hours later and after every imaginable test, X-ray, ultra-sound and blood test created by man they found…nothing…again. My heart, it appears, is unbelievably strong and I appear to not have any blockages but my blood pressure sucked. The three wise men (my cardiologists) and my personal doctor decided to keep me for a while and have a neurologist look at me in the morning.
The next morning I meet the new doctor now added to my ever growing stable of people with a lot of initials behind their names. The frustrating part is he’s barely old enough to be my son and as a parent have found my children’s maturity level to be somewhat suspect on occasion. Now I’m in the awkward position of trusting someone that age with my personal well being. To make it worse…we’re talking about my brain here (irony rears its ugly head at the strangest time doesn’t it?). And so the tests begin.
After each test young doctor “Spooky” would wander in and ask a question or two before disappearing to order yet another test. Just after one such test ( I don’t remember if it was the MRI, CaT Scan or Electrowhatever it’s called with the wires all over my head) in he walks in again. This time he’s got the three wise men and my regular doctor with him. “Have you ever had a stroke?” was his question. “Nope” was my response. “Are you sure?” … “I’m pretty sure I’d have known if I had.” was my response. “Hmmmmm” is all he says as the whole bunch shuffle out the door. A moment later he comes back in and asks “Your medical records say you’ve had Cerebral Palsy your whole life. Is that true?” “ I was born with it. What of it?” I said.
“Hmmmmm.” He says again and heads back out the door.
An hour and a half later or so Dr. Spooky returns while my wife, sister and my eldest daughter and I are talking with a great proclamation.
“You’ve fallen down a lot your whole life haven’t you?”
“Yep, I’ve chalked it up to my Cerebral Palsy and a bum knee going wonky now and then and thought nothing of it why?”
“The falling down isn’t from an odd muscle failure now and then. You’ve been having seizures. Seizures caused by a stroke.”
The silence in the room was disturbingly deafening before he continued with…
“You’ve had a massive stroke on the left side of your brain that, by all accounts, you shouldn’t have survived from. At best you should have had difficulty speaking, reasoning, doing any kind of math, play sports, remember things, walking or be creative if you had survived at all. Yet here you are. The falling down wasn’t your muscles going wonky it was your brain going wonky. You’re having what’s called “non-epileptic seizures”.”
He paused for a moment to let me take in what he had just said before continuing with…
“You’re going to be on a seriously strong anti-seizure medicine for the rest of your life which is going to require a few life changes. You can’t drive anymore…ever. You can’t operate heavy equipment, fly a plane or anything like that. You can’t stand for extended periods of time. You’ll have to walk with a cane the rest of your life to help maintain your balance. You will have to severely limit your alcohol consumption and you will have to apply for and go on permanent disability because you’ll be unable to work.”
With that statement my past present and future was wiped away.
“How or when did this happen?” was my only question.
“As near as we can tell the stroke was a long time ago. It doesn’t show up as anything new on the scans and tests. We believe it happened just before you were born which created your Cerebral Palsy. Back then that was the best neurological explanation they could give at the time. That’s also why you spent the first few years of your life in physical therapy and in leg braces. You’re a one in a million survivor.”
With that he left leaving me and my family to dumbfoundedly look at each other.
My New Year’s resolution was decided for me in a heartbeat and handed to me without gift wrapping or a bow. It wasn’t going to be looking for a job, losing weight or any of the other things ordinarily associated with such things. It was going to be learning to live my life all over again with some necessary tweaks here and there.
I will still have the love of my life, my wife and best friend, my family and a brave new world to explore from a different perspective. I will probably lose some of my friends because they won’t know how to deal with the new me and possibly fear what I might represent to themselves and their lives…unfortunate but if it must be…so be it.
My life has already changed in the short amount of time that this has happened. I rise a little later than I used to and have a robust breakfast of sixteen assorted pills and a glass of water followed by a cup of green tea while I answer e-mail and read the news online.
I may have a light lunch of fresh and dried fruits, various cheeses, nuts and fresh breads before taking a nap.
My afternoon is taken up writing for my book or whatever article that will bring a little extra cash into the family funds. I recently unlocked that box in the closet and am anxious to paint and take pictures that will mean something to people other than me and my misguided ego. I’m seeking out commissions, assignments and competitions to keep me busy and alive.
The daughter who took me in and let me sleep on her couch is looking for a larger place to live because the kids are quite certain and aware I can no longer live by myself. I can’t even take a shower unless someone is home with me so they’re going to find a place with enough space for my wife and I to live other than the living room.
When evening comes I sit with a cup of tea or glass of wine and watch the sun go down content in a twisted sort of way how my life has come about but anxious to do more for more people with the limited abilities still left me and leave a lasting imprint for those who follow.
More isn’t always better. Sometimes it takes a surprise to help you appreciate the simple things you’ve always had but managed to overlook. Happy New Year.

2011-11-22T16:36:00.003-08:00

"THE" Wine Meet & Greet

2011-11-22T16:36:00.001-08:00

Join everyone in January and help bring in the New Year right at the sexiest and longest running Meet & Greet in the state with the Hottest people you’d ever want to party with!
Everyone has already rung in 2012 on the 1st now let’s take it one step further and set the tone for the rest of the year and what sexy fun it brings!
People have started making travel plans from around the country to be here each month for this M&G. It just keeps getting bigger and sexier every month and you won’t want to miss it. The last thing you’ll want to hear from your sexy friends and playmates are …”You should have been there.”
If you need Hotel accommodations check our website at http://arizonalifestyles.org for a list of hotels near Terroir Wine Pub.
So join us Saturday January 21st at the classiest and longest running Meet & Greet in the Valley for the most enjoyable first part of an evening a Lifestyler can have with their clothes on! And speaking of clothes… Dress as sexy as you dare! If you’re still in the Holiday Spirit show it!
A SPECIAL NOTE: As long as you’re having a good time the staff at Terroir will keep the place open for us so the closing time is now flexible.
ALSO: If you find yourself in the mood to have a party afterwards and you want everyone to know…let us know and we’ll get the word out for you.

WHERE: Terroir Wine Pub
7001 N Scottsdale Rd
In the Seville Shopping Center (NE corner of Scottsdale & Indian Bend)

FROM: 7PM to ???

WHEN: Sat. January 21st 2012

DRESS: Casual Sexy

Please register so we can let Terroir know how many to set up for.

KEEP THESE ON YOUR CALENDAR FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS TOO
FOR THIS EVENT!

1/21/12

2/18/12

3/17/12

Want to save your home?

2011-11-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

Still looking for a workable way to refinance your home and save it? Take a look at these folks and see if they can help.
www.azmortgagerescue.com

Let's Talk About Wraps

2011-04-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

I’m not talking about those things you eat when you’re trying to be healthy or avoid yeast. I’m talking about a financial tool that many people have either never heard of or have avoided because they’ve heard they’re evil and/or illegal. Some years ago that may have been true and could have very easily gotten people in a lot of trouble with their mortgage company causing them to be suddenly homeless.
This isn’t the case these days as long as you play by the rules and have people do things the right way for you. In short form here’s what a wrap is and how they work:
A wrap is an “Agreement for Sale” where the buyer agrees to complete the agreement by re-financing the property by or on a given date (typically five, seven or ten years from the date of the agreement) for the balance of the existing note at which time the buyer is given title to the property. During the agreement period the buyer has “Equity Title” to the property meaning as the property value increases during that period that value transfers to the buyer upon completion of the agreement. As an example, a property is currently worth $150,000.00 but the current owners owe $200,000.00 so an agreement is drawn up that the sellers will sell the property to the buyers for $200,000.00 with the agreement to be completed five years from the date of the agreement. At the end of that period the appraised value of the property is now $225,000.00. Once the deal is complete the buyer gets clear title to the property and $25,000 in equity right from the beginning.
What are the advantages to doing something like this? Well… if you’re a seller it would keep you from going upside down on your property causing you to walk away from it and have your credit ruined. It would also give you some positive cash flow during the agreement period. The monthly payment is based on the $200,000.00 figure so after the current mortgage payment and taxes are paid each month the difference goes to the current owner. If there was down payment money over and above all of the costs of the transaction then they have that to look forward to as well.
If you’re a buyer it means you don’t have to qualify for a loan right away giving you a chance to clean up your credit so you can qualify when the time comes. There are also tons of people like waitresses, bartenders, entertainers, sales people (and even realtors) who work on commission or a cash basis that make it difficult to qualify for a home loan. Let’s face it…most everyone has been affected by the dismal economy we’ve had to endure the past few years to one degree or another. For many people this may be the only way they can purchase a home again for many years to come. Like anything else though it’s not entirely simple and something everyone can do. It would require a buyer to come in with more cash than they might if they were trying to purchase a home these days. Typically you would come in with roughly 5% down for financing under “normal” circumstances. With a wrap that could increase 10-15% or more. A large amount of that would go to covering your transaction costs and possibly any back payments, but many sellers expect (and deserve) to see some cash in their pockets to cover their own expenses (like moving) right away.
Are there down sides to all of this? Yes, on both sides. For the sellers there’s the risk the buyers would default on the agreement. The buyers could also damage the property.
The upside to that is that it’s an agreement not a lease and no deed has been recorded yet. They can be evicted much quicker and cheaper that you can a renter (usually 30-45 days) plus you still have the house and can re-sell it again, plus you have had your mortgage paid during that time frame and picked up a little extra cash as well. A servicing company will always be mandated to receive the payment from the buyer and distribute the funds to the current mortgage, taxes, insurance and any leftover funds to the seller. This protects both buyer and seller so that no disputes arise as to whether a payment was made or not and also eliminates funds not making it to the proper places at the right time. Also the sellers would have to continue to make the homeowners insurance during the agreement period which (as noted above) would be paid through the existing mortgage servicing company.
For the buyers they need to make sure that when the time comes they can qualify for a new loan. Since it’s an agreement and they only have equity title on the house they can’t borrow money against it for any reason. They can make all of the home improvements they want to the property… just out of their own pocket. A new pool would have to wait until after the agreement is completed. Any major improvements (like an extra room) would require approval from the current owner and possibly the HOA (if there is one). Since the buyers don’t legally own the home yet they would have to have “Content Insurance” (renters insurance) to cover their personal belongings from fire and theft which is something they’d have to plan for.
If the current note is an FHA loan there are quite a few more forms that will need to be signed with the agreement but it can be done, it just takes a little longer. VA and Conventional notes are a little easier on the paperwork but all three aren’t opposed to doing wraps and neither are most lenders these days. In fact some lenders welcome them rather than have to deal with a short sale or foreclosure.
Are wraps right for everyone and/or every situation? Absolutely not, but they are right for more people than anyone might think. The best way to find out is to talk to someone like me and let us work through your personal situation. If we can’t go down that route we may be able to come up with an alternative situation.

2010-11-10T22:29:00.000-08:00

Why is is that prior to the mid-term elections the U.S. Government went to great lenghths to say the U.S. borders were safer than they have ever been only to retract all of that days after the elections to say they've actually done nothing to change the situation if not made it worse. We passed a controversial bill in Arizona that many people in this country thought it was racist and out of bounds.
Days later, from sympathetic news sources, we find out human and drug smuggling in states, especially Arizona, have increased at such levels that the security in America is far more in jeaporardy than anyone could imagine...including me. A third of my family is Hispanic and I love them all dearly. One of my stepbrothers is on the Chicago Police Force. I have no malice or illwill to people who want a better life for themselves and their family be it here or in Samaliland. What I ask is they do it honestly. What I ask is they don't traffic in drugs as a way to feel important and jeapordize my grandchildren. If you do that...you'll have to face me and I guarentee you...you haven't met the likes of me and my friends who are far more sophisticated in ways of conflict resolution than you, or anyone else, could imagine.

BofA Halts Foreclosures in 23 States

2010-10-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

From the AP Real Estate Desk

WASHINGTON – Bank of America is delaying foreclosures in 23 states as it examines whether it rushed the foreclosure process for thousands of homeowners without reading the documents.
The move adds the nation's largest bank to a growing list of mortgage companies whose employees signed documents in foreclosure cases without verifying the information in them. Bank of America isn't able to estimate how many homeowners' cases will be affected, Dan Frahm, a spokesman for the Charlotte, N.C.-based bank, said Friday.
Two other companies, Ally Financial Inc.'s GMAC Mortgage unit and JPMorgan Chase, have halted tens of thousands of foreclosure cases after similar problems became public.
Several states are stepping up pressure to halt foreclosures. On Friday, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal asked a state court to freeze all home foreclosures for 60 days. Doing so "should stop a foreclosure steamroller based on defective documents," he said.
And California Attorney General Jerry Brown called on JPMorgan to suspend foreclosures unless it could show it complied with a state consumer protection law. The law requires lenders to contact borrowers at risk of foreclosure to determine whether they qualify for mortgage assistance.
In Florida, the state attorney general is investigating four law firms, two with ties to GMAC, for allegedly providing fraudulent documents in foreclosure cases .The Ohio attorney general this week asked judges to review GMAC foreclosure cases.
A document obtained Friday by the Associated Press showed a Bank of America official acknowledging in a legal proceeding that she signed up to 8,000 foreclosure documents a month and typically didn't read them.
The official, Renee Hertzler, said in a February deposition that she signed 7,000 to 8,000 foreclosure documents a month.
"I typically don't read them because of the volume that we sign," Hertzler said.
She also acknowledged identifying herself as a representative of a different bank, Bank of New York Mellon, that she didn't work for. Bank of New York Mellon served as a trustee for the investors holding the homeowner's loan.
Hertzler could not be reached for comment.
A lawyer for the homeowner in the case, James O'Connor of Fitchburg, Mass., said such problems are rampant throughout the industry.
"We have had thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of foreclosures around the country by entities that did not have the right to foreclose," O'Connor said.
The disclosure comes two days after JPMorgan said it would temporarily stop foreclosing on more than 50,000 homes so it could review documents that might contain errors. Last week, GMAC halted certain evictions and sales of foreclosed homes in 23 states to review those cases after finding procedural errors in some foreclosure affidavits.
Consumer advocates say the problems are widespread across the lending industry.
"The general level of sloppiness is pervasive around the industry," said Diane Thompson, counsel at the National Consumer Law Center.
Vickee Adams, a spokeswoman for Wells Fargo & Co., said Wells' "policies, procedures and practices satisfy us that the affidavits we sign are accurate."
Mark Rodgers, a spokesman for Citigroup Inc., said the bank "reviews document handling processes in our foreclosure group on an ongoing basis, and we have strong training to ensure that appropriate employees are fully aware of the proper procedures."
Mortgage finance companies Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac said Friday they're directing companies they work with that collect loan payments to follow proper procedures.
In some states, lenders can foreclose quickly on delinquent mortgage borrowers. But 23 states use a lengthy court process for foreclosures. They require documents to verify information on the mortgage, including who owns it. Florida, New York, New Jersey and Illinois are the biggest states with this process.

Help a Neighbor

2010-08-18T15:11:00.001-07:00

The villages of Sonoita and Elgin were recently torn apart from hail storms. By all reports the hail size ranged up to golf ball sized and was massive in its reach across the area damaging crops and anything else in its path.
“Why is this of any importance?” You’re probably asking. The Sonoita/Elgin area is the heart of southern Arizona’s wine region…yes we have one (several actually), and yes they’re very good.
The decimation of the grape crops has been, by most accounts, so complete that a half dozen or so (out of a little over nearly thirty statewide) of the area’s vineyards will not produce wine this year, The few that are going to try will be producing limited varieties and a few are going to attempt to make nothing more than a rose’ this year to maximize the crop yield. Some will purchase grapes from outside vineyards in the Willcox area (another excellent wine region that was untouched by the storm) and some may go as far as California for additional product.
The northern Arizona wine region in the Cottonwood/Sedona area, while strong and untouched by weather issues, currently only produce enough grapes to meet their normal production levels and can spare little to be sold as bulk to outside wineries.
The current mantra for many people these days trying to live healthier more responsible lives is to “Buy local and support the nearby farmers and ranchers.”, and, the often over used term, “sustainable”. At times like this when “neighbors” probably need us the most we should probably be seeking them out the most. As I understand it customers of many of these vineyards have shown up unannounced bearing rakes, shovels and other implements to help salvage what can be for this year and prepare the vines as much as they can for next year. Many of us may not have the time or physical ability to do something like that but we may be able to make a day trip or two to one or more of the vineyards and purchase some excellent (and in many cases multiple award winning) wine from someone who may become a future friend as well.
For those who can’t travel easily places like BevMo, AJ’s, Total Wine, AZ Wine and Sportman’s have wonderful local wine sections at reasonable prices.
For information on all of the vineyards here in Arizona you can contact the Arizona Vines and Wines at http://arizonavinesandwines.com

New Contact Info

2010-08-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

I can also now be reached at alan@alaneakins.com

Gabion

2010-02-18T09:49:00.001-08:00

Arizona Wines

2010-01-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

It seems like at every social gathering or event I've attended over the past few years people keep asking me about Arizona wine. They ask things like is it good or a myth etc.
Here's a link to help answer some of those ever growing questions.

http://arizonavinesandwines.com/wineries.html

Special Announcement

2009-12-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

Friends,

After countless meetings and discussions on how to better serve you, our clients and friends we have decided as a company to sever our franchise relationship with Windermere Real Estate of Seattle effective immediately and have entered a new franchise relationship with Long Realty of Tucson, a division of Home Services America which is the second largest real estate corporation in the US. Home Services America is owned by Birkshire Hathaway.
Long Realty is currently the largest real estate company in southern Arizona and the second largest overall in the state.
Although we won’t be owned by Long Realty or any of their parent companies, we will still be independently owned and operated, we will have full access to all of their marketing and technology tools.
While you’re not likely to see Warren Buffett wandering around the halls in our offices you will quickly notice his devotion to service, cutting edge technology and tools for you, our clients, to take advantage of and ease your real estate searches and transactions. We’re hoping the change will be seamless and quickly make the real estate conundrums of the past a distant memory.
Besides the name change (e-mail change) and the infusion of new technology little else will change. We will still be in the same location and still have the same phone numbers.
Over the next several months additional services will be available to you that should also ease your abilities to manage your real estate investments in one place.
Here is all of my contact info below for your records. Should you have any questions at all feel free to contact me. I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Regards,

Alan

LONG REALTY/ARIZONA PROPERTIES
34406 N 27th Dr Bldg9 Suite 198
Phoenix, AZ 85085

CELL: 602-628-5243
OFFICE: 623-594-2300
FAX: 623-594-2301
TOLL FREE: 800-241-6980

e-mail: aeakins@longrealty.com

New Statistics

2009-04-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

Here's a link to new statstics for the Greater Phoenix Market that will be updated monthly for you.

http://arizona.choosewindermere.com/blog

More Bad News

2008-12-23T11:08:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – The pace of existing home sales plunged a record 8.6 percent in November and prices fell a record amount as layoffs and a stock market crash worsened an already grim housing market, a real estate trade group said Tuesday.

The median home price fell 13.2 percent on an annual basis, down for a fifth straight month to $181,300. It was the largest drop since the current data series began in 1968 and probably the largest since the Great Depression, Lawrence Yun, the chief economist for the National Association of Realtors, told reporters.

The pace of sales fell to a 4.49-million-unit annual rate.

Economists polled by Reuters were expecting home resales to set a 4.90-million pace. October's figure was revised downwards to 4.91 million, from 4.98 million.

"The quickly deteriorating conditions in the job market, stock market and consumer confidence in October and November have knocked down home sales to another level," Yun said.

"It is, therefore, imperative to provide incentives for homebuyers to get back into the market, Yun said.

Past experience shows when home resales slid after the 1987 and 2001 stock market crashes, they then rebounded after the third month to what had been the trend, he said.

"We hope the home sales impact from the stock market crash turns out to be short-lived, as was the case in 1987 and 2001," Yun said.

The inventory of existing homes for sales rose 0.1 percent to 4.203 million from 4.198 million in October. That translates into 11.2 months of supply, matching the record peak set in April, Yun said.

The housing malaise, which triggered a global financial crisis, has infected other sectors of the broader economy and sent unemployment rates higher.

Analysts says stability in the housing sector is key to any recovery in the U.S. economy, which has been in a recession since late last year.

2008-12-17T13:48:00.000-08:00

I was talking to Brian at Terroir today and they've expanded their appetizer menu full of all kinds of goodies to eat like ten different Bruchetta's, Pizza, Salads, Cheese trays and more so be sure and ask for the new menu and dig in when we all get together this Saturday night (and any other third Saturday night of each month from now on).

See You all there!

Terroir Wine Pub is located at the NE corner of Scottsdale Rd and Indian Bend in the Seville Shopping Center in Scottsdale.

The Real Estate Newsletter...

2008-11-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

...Is now out and if you'd like a copy e-mailed to you drop me a note and I'll see you get it!

Food Food and More Food

2008-10-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

People have been asking me about food at parties. A long time ago I wrote an article about how we, as swingers, expect more than chips and beer at parties these days. We've all become Foodies and our tastes reflect that, for my wife and I especially.

We don't shop at any one store for food anymore and are addicted to the Food Network and the cooking tips we can gleen there every night and our friends (playmates) are just as bad as we are.

We've developed an ever changing partial list of places to shop for the ingredients to put a little WOW in your next party without breaking the bank:

For exotic produce, herbs, fresh seafood, meat, spices,duck & quail eggs and more go to LEE LEE Asian Superstores in Peoria or Chandler.

For Unique produce, seafood and cheese (since we don't have a decent cheese shop in the valley) try Whole Foods.

Aj's is nice for many of these things but tends to be pricey but they do excel in breads and baked goods and have a nice selection of caviar and wine.

For great selections of wine and alcohol at reasonable prices our favorite is BEVMO (they also carry caviar). Two other good choices for wine would be World of Wine in Arrowhead or any Cost Plus World Markets (where you can also pick up serving platters and other presentation items reasonably).

For basics we've found Trader Joe's to be great for things like chicken and vegetable stocks, pie fillings, sweet treats, pasta and other odd items.

For pre-made appetizers and tapas, cream and half&half you can't beat Sam's Club or Costco.

Romanelli's at 35th Ave & Dunlap is great for fresh and frozen pasta.

And if you need a utensil to cook anything go to Restaurant Depot at I-17 and Indian School (two blocks S of Indian School on the west frontage road) If they don't have it...you don't need it.

The Holiday Season is upon us and people in the lifestyle tend to make the most of it and expect a lot at the same time. Let's all step up to the plate and make 2008 memorable for all of the right reasons.

Seller Assistance Programs Disappearing

2008-08-08T10:43:00.000-07:00

As all of you are probably aware the President signed into law last week the Housing and Economic Recovery Act of 2008. Included in this bill, among other items, are two of note that I thought I would bring to the forefront.

The elimination of Qualified Down Payment Assistance Programs (Ameridream, Nehemiah, PIC, et al). As of October 01, 2008, these programs whereby the seller contributes down payment funds to the program and the program in turn donates the down payment to the buyer in order to qualify for an FHA Loan will no longer be allowed. As it currently stands, prospective buyers must have an automated approval or be underwritten approved by an approved DE Underwriter prior to October 01, 2008. There has been no timetable set on when the transaction must close and we would expect that to follow but it will be after October 01, 2008.
First Time home buyers will receive a $7,500.00 tax credit if they purchased a home since April 01, 2008 – They will want to consult their tax professional for details

Congress has introduced H.R. 6694 that would reauthorize Down Payment Assistance Programs but no word yet on the status of this bill.

Thank you and please don’t hesitate to call with any questions or comments.

Road Construction Timelines

2008-05-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

Many of you have asked how long it will take to complete the road construction around the valley. The answer is...a very long time...2018 to be exact.I just got out of a info/meeting with ADOT and here's some answers for the north valley.

New Stat's

2008-05-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

Here's some new info that just came out you might be interested in.

Here's some new info that just came out you might be interested in.

Picking Your Real Estate Team

2008-02-26T12:20:00.000-08:00

With all the tools and advice available today ranging from books and magazines to online advice like this lesson - it would be possible for you to buy your home almost completely without the aid of real estate professionals.
That's not necessarily recommended. The housing market, like politics, is basically local, and each state, city, and even neighborhood has a thicket of local laws or customs that you need to understand. For that, it helps to have a team of professionals to guide you.
You might want to start by finding an agent who can represent your interests in the search. This is not as simple as it sounds. Sure, 85 percent of sellers list their homes through an agent - but those agents are working for the seller, not you. They're paid based on a percentage, usually 5 to 7 percent of the purchase price, so their interest will be in getting you to pay more.
What you need is what's known as an "exclusive buyer agent." Sometimes buyer agents are paid directly by you, on an hourly or contracted fee. Other times they split the commission that the seller's agent gets upon sale. A buyer's representative has the same access to homes for sale that a seller's agent does, but his or her allegiance is supposed to be only to you.
To complicate matters, there are hybrid agencies called either single-agency or dual-agency brokers. In both cases, an individual agent in the firm may represent either sellers or buyers, sometimes both, in the same transaction. Potential conflicts of interest abound in this situation, so if you are seeking a buyer agent but no exclusive buyer agent is available, make sure to ask the agent about conflicts of interest.
There are now about a dozen Web sites that help connect buyers with buyers agents, among them HomeGain.com, House.com, RealEstate.com and Reply.com.
Next start looking for a mortgage lender. Take your time, since you could be paying this loan for 30, even 40, years. Start on the Internet at places like LendingTree.com and E-loan.com. You may also want to check out the rates at CNNMoney.com, Bankrate, or HSH Associates. These sites carry nationwide listings of mortgage interest rates and other related information.
Don't limit your search to the Web, though. Once you have an idea of the best rates from national lenders, get on the phone to your community banks and any other institutions with which you may have a relationship. Ask if they can beat the national rates. Often, the local lender can offer a better deal simply because he or she knows the local market and wants to keep your business.
You might also consider using a mortgage broker, a middleman who keeps tabs on rates from a multitude of lenders. The mortgage broker isn't paid directly by you but gets paid by the bank. However, the fee - usually 1.5 to 3 percent of the loan amount - may get transferred to you in the closing costs. Most search engines have extensive listings of mortgage brokers. There's also a trade group, the National Association of Mortgage Brokers, which can put you in touch with a broker in your area.

Mortgage crisis: Don't forgive debt, just postpone repayment

2008-02-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

A new plan from the Office of Thrift Supervision would have lenders reduce mortgage balances, but let them collect the difference later.

By Les Christie, CNNMoney.com staff writer
February 20 2008: 4:56 PM EST

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- A plan that would help troubled mortgage borrowers today - and might make lenders whole later on - was unveiled Wednesday in Washington.
The Office of Thrift Supervision (OTS) is urging the federal savings and loans lenders under its authority to refinance loans by reducing mortgage balances to the current market values of the homes. Thanks to falling home prices, many homeowners are now stuck with mortgages that are actually worth more than the houses themselves.
But instead of having lenders forgive the difference between the old mortgage and a house's current resale value, called a short sale, the OTS advises that lenders issue a warrant or "negative amortization certificate" for the difference. If a home regains its market value and is then sold, lenders have first claims to the profits.
"If a house has a $100,000 mortgage originally," said Bill Ruberry, a press spokesman for the agency, "and the fair market value is $80,000, there's $20,000 in negative equity. The lender could refinance for $80,000 and a warrant [for the $20,000 in lost value]."
If the house later sold for $100,000, the lender would collect the $80,000 mortgage balance plus the $20,000. If the sale realized more than $100,000, the certificate holder might even get interest on top of the $20,000. Any profit beyond that would go to the borrower. The warrants could be publicly traded.
The hope is that this plan will help prevent foreclosures while minimizing the hit that lenders will take, all without putting any burden on the taxpayers.
All borrowers are likely to be eligible, according to Jaret Seiberg of the Stanford Group, a policy research company, but the proposal appears to be aimed at those with subprime ARMs, negative amortization mortgages and interest-only mortgage borrowers. They're the ones most likely to have negative equity.
The savings and loan industry, which held 31% of mortgage loans last year, saw record losses of $5.24 billion for the fourth quarter of 2007, according to the OTS.
Few details about the plan have been settled, but it would not involve any legislation, nor would it be mandated in any way. Adoption would be on a voluntary basis by the hundreds of thrift institutions in the United States, like Washington Mutual (WASH) and IndyMac Bancorp (IMB).
Indeed, banks may not want to take this approach in markets where prices have fallen so steeply that it is unlikely they'll recover any money.
The plan's biggest attraction for lenders, according to Seiberg, is that rather than spending $50,000 to foreclose on a home or to write-off the negative amortization in a short-sale, they get a certificate that permits them to share in the up-side, if and when housing markets recover.
"The plan still needs to be discussed, but it has some attractions," said Ruberry. "We're putting it out there and urging our institutions to give it a look."
Subprime loans defaulting even before resets Home builder outlook remains dim Find mortgage rates in your area

Homeowners: Can't pay? Just walk away

2008-02-19T10:21:00.000-08:00

More and more borrowers are watching their house values sink while the cost of their loans skyrockets. What to do? Skip out on the mortgage all together.

By Les Christie, CNNMoney.com staff writer
February 7 2008: 2:04 PM EST
NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- Mortgage payments are set to jump. Home prices have plunged. "I'm outta here."
Homeowners are abandoning their homes and, more importantly, their mortgages, rather than trying to keep up with rising payments on deteriorating assets. So many people are handing their keys back to lenders that a new term has been coined for it: jingle mail.
"I stopped paying my mortgage in October, after shelling out about $70,000 in interest [over 15 months]," said one borrower, David, who doesn't want his last name used. "Now, I'm just waiting for the default notice."
The Los Angeles-based writer bought two properties in Hancock Park, west of downtown, using no-down, interest-only mortgages in 2006. He paid just over $1 million for both.
David had planned to sell them quickly but got caught in the slump. Soon his interest rate will jump by a few points, and his payments will go up by several hundred dollars a month for each place. He figures his properties have fallen in value by at least $60,000 each.
Current lending practices have created an environment where a measure as extreme as abandoning a home actually makes sense to some people.
Many buyers put little or no money down, so they don't have much invested in them. That leaves them with little incentive to keep making payments when a home's market value dips below the balance of the mortgage.
The most serious consequence is a tremendous hit to credit scores. For some, that's better than throwing away money they'll never recover by selling their home.
And while a mortgage default can savage a person's credit record, trying to pay off a loan they can't afford could be worse for borrowers if it leads to bankruptcy, said Craig Watts, a spokesman for the credit reporting firm Fair Isaac.
Credit scores are hurt much more by missing multiple payments - on credit cards, cars and so on - than by a single foreclosure.
"The time it takes to regain your credit score [after foreclosure] can be shorter than after bankruptcy," said Watts.
It typically takes three years of a spotless payment record after a bankruptcy before credit scores recover enough for someone to think about buying a home again, he said. After abandoning a mortgage, a person may be able to buy a new house in two years or less.
And now skipping out on a home is easier, thanks to the Mortgage Debt Relief Act of 2007. Previously, if a bank sold a foreclosed home for less than the mortgage balance and it forgave the difference, the borrower had to pay tax on that difference as if it were income. Now the IRS will ignore it.
"That's going to help a lot of people," said Mike Gray, a San Jose accountant who runs the web site Realestatetaxletter.com.
The trend of walking away is most pronounced among real estate investors, according to Jay Brinkman, an economist with the Mortgage Bankers Association (MBA).
But families are doing it too. "If they have to stretch to make mortgage payments for a home that will not recover its value, then yes, they may walk away," he said.
Often they chose hybrid adjustable rate mortgages (ARMs) that came with low initial payments. After a few years, interest rates on these loans reset higher. But buyers thought they could count on the increased value of their homes to refinance into affordable, fixed-rate loans.
Now, that may not be possible. Take Susan (not her real name), a client of HouseBuyerNetwork.com, which specializes in arranging short sales. A short sale is when a bank agrees to accept the sale price paid for a home - even if it is less than the outstanding mortgage on it - as payment in full. An owner might sell a house with a $200,000 mortgage for $180,000, and then the bank forgives the difference.
HouseBuyerNetwork.com CEO Duane LeGate says that Susan's two-bedroom condo in Sonoma County is worth $340,000, but the mortgage balance is $380,000. She can't refinance and it's difficult to sell.
She's still trying for a short sale but, said LeGate, "She'll almost certainly end up walking away."
Beyond anecdotes, some statistics indicate that hard-pressed owners are deliberately courting foreclosure. An analysis by the consumer credit rating agency Experian last spring found that many borrowers were choosing to pay off credit card and other consumer debt before making mortgage payments. They were electing to put their mortgage at risk rather than their credit cards or auto loans.
Similarly, Richard DeKaser, chief economist for National City Corp., (NCC, Fortune 500) notes that while all credit metrics are deteriorating, mortgage delinquencies are rising disproportionately. "That makes sense if people are choosing to walk away," he said.
And now reports are emerging of homeowners skipping out on mortgages even though they can still afford to pay them.
Wachovia (WB, Fortune 500) CEO Ken Thompson described these people on an earnings call last month."[These are] people that have otherwise had the capacity to pay, but have basically just decided not to, because they feel like they've lost equity, value in their properties."
Lenders are afraid that borrowers may find it's worth the hit to their credit scores, if they can drastically reduce their housing expenses. Someone with good credit and a $600,000 home in a town with cratering real estate prices could buy a similar house nearby for $450,000, and then let the other $600,000 mortgage go into foreclosure.
The stage is set for this kind of thing particularly in California, where huge numbers of buyers used low or no-down deals to buy homes. The trend has even spawned at least one new business, San Diego-based YouWalkAway.com, which for a fee of $1,000 purports to guide clients through the process of ditching their mortgages. It launched in early January, and says it has already signed up 180 clients.
California is a bit of a safe haven for these borrowers, since banks that repossess and then sell a foreclosed property for less than the mortgage that was owed on it cannot come after borrowers for the difference - as long as it's the initial mortgage, one that has not been refinanced. So if a borrower owes $200,000 and the bank sells the house for $170,000, the borrower comes out of it debt-free.
And for many homeowners, the prospect of becoming debt-free is growing increasingly alluring.
Home equity loan defaults soar New $20 billion subprime bailout on the table Mortgage rates end five-week descent
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Nudism in The Southwest

2008-02-15T13:58:00.000-08:00

Spring is just around the corner and everyone will start seeking the sun and work on their tans and just relax. For those of you who are inclined to do that in the nude (or you've considered it) here are a few places you can try:

Going Nude in the Southwest - Naturist Clubs, Resorts and Information
Travel Clubs, Nude Resorts and Information on Naturism

For those curious about being nude and joining other naturists, I can recommend a very good list of questions and answers regarding nudism. They are questions and comments you might think about but are reluctant bring up.ArizonaArizona Wildflowers is one of the largest travel clubs (aka: non-landed) in AANR, with over 200 adult members. They began in 1980 as a small group of friends, but are now a proprietary club. If you feel that your concepts of social nudism are in agreement with theirs, they welcome you to join the group for a pool party or a campout, a potluck, or a special event. Their contact person has a Phoenix address.Shangrila Ranch - Clothing optional resort.
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They are a family friendly facility located north of Phoenix that welcomes everyone interested in naturism. Full memberships with the resort are available. Visitors are allowed to ease into nudism. Shangri La Ranch emphasizes the freedom of choice. You select the activity that suits you from quiet relaxation in the spa , sauna or on the pool deck, to swimming, volleyball, water volleyball, tennis, shuffleboard, basketball, horseshoes or hiking trails. A clubhouse, children's playground and laundry are available. The pool is maintained at a comfortable temperature year round. RV, camping and rental units available.Canyon State Naturists - A family friendly, clothing optional, non landed club with over 150 members across the USA mostly in Arizona. The organization models itself under the Body Beautiful, Body Acceptance and Nude Recreation theories. They enjoy time with friends and family in a natural setting and the group includes lots of campers and hikers.Arizona Nudist Resorts and Naturist Clubs - A great listing researched by About Phoenix writer, Judy Hedding.Mira Vista Resort - Marana, Arizona - Mira Vista Resort is located on 30 acres in Marana at 7501 North Wade Road, immediately Northwest of Tucson. The property has a fascinating history, dating back to the 1850s. It has gone through several name and ownership changes, but has been in continuous operation. It was known most recently as Coyote Moon Resort and Spa. The pool area was already clothing-optional under the prior management.El Dorado Hot Springs - Forty miles west of Phoenix, Arizona or seventy-five miles east of Quartzsite, leave I-10 at Tonopah--Exit 94. El Dorado is a rustic western mineral water spa located over an enormous natural subterranean hot spring.

Penthouse buys group of social networking sites

2008-01-23T13:19:00.000-08:00

By ANDREW MARTIN
Published: December 12, 2007
While the influx of free and low-cost video has hurt the sale of pornographic videos, the chief executive of the Penthouse Media Group remains so bullish on the sex-related entertainment industry that he is investing $500 million in a group of social networking sites.
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Marc H. Bell, chief executive of Penthouse Media, said the company had acquired Various Inc. and its subsidiaries as part of a plan to expand its reach. Various operates more than 25 networking sites and says it has a member base of more than 260 million consumers, about 1.2 million of them paying subscribers.
The combined revenue of both companies is projected to be $340 million in 2007.
Various’s most popular Web site is adultfriendfinder, which describes itself as a personals community for swingers and sex. But Various owns a variety of other social networks like Italianfriendfinder.com, gradfinder.com and bigchurch.com, which offers to help users “meet people who share the same spiritual beliefs as you.”
“For now, we are holding on to everything,” Mr. Bell said. He said the goal was to provide consumers, particularly 18-to-34-year-old men, with a wide variety of sex-related offerings in magazines, in videos and online.
“The rationale here is, it’s an online world,” Mr. Bell said.
After filing for bankruptcy protection, Penthouse was purchased in 2004 by PET Capital Partners, a group of private investors that includes Mr. Bell. Since then, Mr. Bell and his team have revamped the magazine, turning it from what he describes as an “XXX” publication into a more lifestyle-focused magazine that is “where you go when you graduate from Maxim.” The company also started making sex-related movies aimed at couples.

A New Magazine for Swingers

2008-01-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

Kasidie.com, a new online magazine for swingers, by swingers, aims to topplemisconceptions and encourage an open dialogue about sexuality in today'scultureDENVER, Jan. 4 /PRNewswire/ -- Kasidie.com today announced its launch of anew online magazine published, edited and written by one of this country'smost controversial and misunderstood sub-cultures: Swingers. In the United States alone, the number of people involved in the swinginglifestyle is estimated to be as high as eight million; the majority beinghighly educated and affluent young white-collar professionals. Yet swinging(commonly referred to as "the lifestyle") has had a decided lack of accuratePR, and most Americans' views on the subject remain steeped in stereotypes andmoral judgments. Kasidie.com is a total departure from what the general public might expectto find in an online swinger magazine. With no personal classified ads, chatrooms, or gratuitous pornographic material, Kasidie has taken an intellectualand creative approach to exploring the lifestyle of swingers. Throughinformation, conversation and some sexy stimulation, Kasidie aspires tooverturn prejudices and preconceived notions about sexuality and the modernswinging lifestyle. "Most people hear the word 'swinger' and they immediately focus on thesex," says Kasidie's publishers, Scott and Nicoleta. "But the swinginglifestyle is really not about sex, it's about sexuality and it's aboutfriendship. We wanted to create a publication that reflects that and focuseson the lives, thoughts and real issues of the people who are a part of thelifestyle. Kasidie magazine is not just for swingers, it's about swingers.It's a lifestyle magazine with particular emphasis on life & style." Kasidie's contents range from the controversial, such as theautobiographical article A Very Hard Question of Faith: The Life of aChristian Swinger, to the playfully erotic, such as the visually stimulatingreviews of various sexual aids in their Kasidie Labs Playtests. Other featuresinclude: Couple of the Month: showcasing real couples from the lifestylecommunity; Exclusive Interviews with notable or influential people in theareas of swinging and sexuality; even humor and advice columns. Kasidie.comwill also feature the largest and most comprehensive collection of lifestyleparties and club listings on the internet. Kasidie.com does not intend to preach swinging, nor does it aim to convertothers to any sexual sub-culture. Kasidie magazine is meant to be a fun, sexyand informative place for people to learn and exchange ideas about theswinging lifestyle. The publishers hope that anyone with an open mind mightcome away with a more tolerant and understanding view of swingers, theircommunity and perhaps even their own sexuality.SOURCE Kasidie.com

Courtesy of Scott Purcell - Kasidie.com

Feeling a little vindicated.

2007-11-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

Recently the Inman News Service did a two part article on how the media has been manipulating the information they present to the public with regards to the Real Estate "Problems".
The media in general has created panic, resentment and more in an effort to get more readers, watchers and subscribers. Their fabricated facts have destroyed more than one family and I have feared more are yet to come but thanks to people in Real Estate starting to take an active, positive approach and educate their clients...things are turning around.
The worst is behind us, and the best is yet to come.